Even before I started writing, I was thinking of all of the drawbacks. My thoughts are unorganized, there is not a point I want to get across, and it is just a tough situation. In the end, this is my release so whatever, it makes me feel better it is what I need to do.
As I arrived at Einstein hospital on Saturday morning, I was struck by two very different types of memories. Afterall, my father had worked in this hospital for the majority of my childhood, my mother and grandmother had worked for him. I would fake sick so I could spend the day with grandma at the office. Unlike most people, hospitals don’t bother me, they remind me of days of going to my dad’s office when my grandmother still worked for him. Hiding under her desk during the day, getting ice cream every time she took me to the cafeteria, forcing her to make countless copies of anything we could find in the office because, well, to a 6 year old a copy machine was fascinating.
The other memory is the exact opposite spectrum, my grandfather had passed at this hospital. We had gone through this before, this place was still a hospital. As we got off the elevator on the 5th floor I cursed my memory. I was not even 13 when my grandfather had been here, why the hell do I remember that this is the same floor; that I have already cried countless tears in this waiting room; that straight ahead is the room where we lost him, where I said goodbye……. My father was his doctor (it is my mother’s father) and I watched him give every piece of energy to try and save my grandpa. I cannot imagine what that must have been like for him, but I do know it was a security blanket for us. We knew that my father would do ANYTHING to save him, would not keep us in the dark…
My parents had since split and my father is not around this time, he is not my grandmothers doctor. I look at my older brother, Jason, ever since dad left he feels he needs to be strong for Randy and I. He is a doctor now, still a resident, but a doctor. He places so much pressure on himself. I use to resent how he always tried to play dad, I see him now, I see him clearly. I want to embrace my brother, tell him everything is alright, make him feel better. Randy is struggling too, his intelligence a burden. Randy is already doing rotations on his way to be a doctor, I know him and how he thinks, fact and logic is where his mind is being tortured. Can only I see it? I know he tries to hide it but to me it is so clear. They are both so strong, they keep their cool so they can explain questions to the whole family. For once in my life I try and stay quiet, opinions will be taken better from these two.
Everyone is dealing differently, there is no right or wrong in this situation. My aunt Cheryl has been by my grandmother’s side every minute, not just now, but for months, years…..you can see how it is taxing on her, but she has only two motivations; taking care of her mother and taking care of her family. There is a chink in the armor of a very close family, our pain is tied together. We hurt more when we see the pain in our loved ones face, so helpless to make it better.
When Grandmom was first diagnosed with cancer and going through Chemo a few years back, she was having a very rough time. At the same time, I was living in Virginia alone, and working at AOL. I was diagnosed with a case of shingles and it was very painful yet only dangerous for people like her (elderly, sick) and children. I got a call, “Marc, come stay with me, I have to take care of you.” Her voice was stronger than it hand sounded to me in a long while, to her that was the only option, one of her grandchildren needed her.
She needs me now….I am helpless….we are all helpless. Eyes are red all around. Smiles appear when a story of Grandma is told; a found memory shared; a brief moment of energy when Grandma makes a joke.
I can see the impact she has had on this world, there is never less than 5 people by her bedside, sometimes upwards of 12 of us at the hospital at the same time. So many people are devastated because such a wonderful woman is hurting. It is bittersweet to see those from the past, those that I now know I must see more in the now.We share stories of Granda’s exploits, of her generosity, of how much we love her…
Sunday afternoon was the hardest, watching Randy and Jarrett say goodbye for what might be……as you can imagine these are not two people I commonly see crying, its a foreign face, a pained face, my heart is shattered. I try and console them, to ease their pain, but how. I am not alone, the armors weak point has been exploited again. How can we have to deal with real life right now? A job, school, to be honest, why do I give a F#(k!!! But it is the real world, and Grandma of all people would want us to push on, to do what must be done, to make families of our own.
It is Monday now, the real world has thined the group that remain, it beckons at me now. I miss my wife, I want to hold her but the real world is cruel and has kept us apart for this just as it already kept Grandma from our wedding. I have to watch my mother leave her mother, the pain in her eyes, nothing I can do. She has to drive home alone for eleven hours with these thoughts. Today is the day I fly back to Tampa, every second that passes sickens me.I have to take advantage of my time. I am stronger for that today, no use losing my last full day. Easier said then done of course, I break down at least once an hour but I try and hide it. Guess just like Randy was trying to hide it, I am sure it is obvious on my face. Grandma has some lucid moments this day, we talk some….all of my strength….I tell her its ok. We will support each other, I love you. She says don’t just say it, mean it……she calls for my grandather, I want to tell her you will be together soon enough….I say my goodbye and I tell her I love her……is this my last goodbye?
As I walk out of the room I cry harder then I ever have in my life….
I don’t know exactly where to go at this point, like I said in the beginning, there was no direcetion. When I got to the airport my flight was of course delayed for about 2 hours. I knew I would be alone with my thoughts all that time and it frightened me. I had no desire to lose my grip while I was at the airport. My grandma said part of a poem yesterday, its a poem about what a women was before she was sick, the child she was, the family she raised, the love she knew. That is what I will remember. When I closed my eyes I had thoughts of playing at the office; thoughts of the summer that I lived just her and me at the beach house; thoughts of all the summers the whole family spent at the beach house. I will think of my grandmother for all that she did, the amazing family she started. How she was a loving woman who was always supportive and just an amazing person. The pain is still in my heart, the agony and anguish torment me still. As I write this, I have stopped countless times to fight back tears, to get a grip. But the pain has no power in our memories, it will wash away with time, but the love will be there forever.
So, that is it I guess, not much of an ending or anything. I might post more soon, that is just the way I am getting by….
